Unknown
by starlightcake
Summary: It's because death means separation, and being torn apart by it is forever.


It's because the word _death_ is foreign and unknown, only used in fleeting moments on newspapers and television.

It's frightening, and it's as magnificent as the birth of a new life is, because it's just as natural and common. Just as simple.

Only that it's not, and you know you will never understand death and that you will never want to. It's not that you're afraid of it, because in a way, you have been dead forever before you were born. You image dying itself after living won't be much different from that, because you don't believe in heaven. You don't see how anyone would want to hold on the image of living foverer, how anyone would want an eternity. The thought of never truly being free in a sense of not existing is, in your eyes, most scariest prospect of all.

Not that it stops you from hating death any less.

It's because death means _separation_, and being torn apart by it is forever. Eternity in a sense that is most truthful, most real - most painful.

_(It's because you had never been apart, because you were __**born to be together**__.)_

And it hurts. It hurts so much that you don't know what to do with the pain, don't know how to cope when you have no tears left to cry, no voice to scream with. You can't remember how it feels to smile, to laugh, and all you can see are the memories that torture you to the point where nothing feels real anymore. It feels like someone is trying to tear your insides apart, rip the reality from your brain... because surely, this is a dream, surely, none of anything was ever real, _surely_, you have been crazy all along. Surely, _Hikaru will be there with you when you wake up_.

You remember the exact moment your world came crashing down all around you and inside of you, and you hold on to it. Everyone tries to tell you that you will make it, and you just have to keep moving on, smile for the happy memories but move on and let time heal. That you are strong enough and you are not alone.

But they don't understand, none of them do. You have never been alone before.

Now it's all you will ever be.

So you keep breaking yourself down, keep hurting and holding on, because you remember. You were home playing the new video game that Hikaru had bought, the one you didn't really like but you just wanted to beat his scores. Hikaru had laughed at your pathetic attempts, because you kept getting 'Game Over' again and again, but it was a simple matter of pride. You remember clearly Hikaru's smug grin because he knew that you would never beat him at that game, and then your twin told you he would go outside for a walk.

"Want to come with me?"

"No, Hikaru, I'm going to show you who's the master of this game."

Hikaru snorted and left.

And they were the last words you ever spoke to him, the last time you saw him alive.

And then he died.

The fact of the matter was that it's hundreds and hundreds of people that die on the road, but it's never real just like the death never is until it becomes reality. Because then it's no longer news and statistics, names of strangers and faceless people. Then it's _your_ life and nothing is ever the same anymore.

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" is pure and utter bullshit, you think. "What doesn't kill you makes you wish it did" would be more appropriate.

Sometimes you forget. It's so impossible and unthinkable that you ever could, that it almost seems silly. Those are the days when you move on autopilot and think of nothing at all, when you don't see or feel anything and later don't remember were asleep or awake, alive or simply gone.

Sometimes, it's nice not to feel anything. But because everything reminds you of him, it doesn't ever last long.

It's in the moments when you see your reflection in the mirrors, when you _hate _and _despise_ and break the glass into millions shattered pieces of something that is forever broken. Something that cannot be fixed.

It's in your room, because you keep everything exactly as it has always been, in the bed where he used to sleep in.

It's in Tamaki's eyes, because he chose the two of you.

It's in Haruhi's voice, because she saw the two of you as different people, told you apart, it's the fact that anyone can now.

It's in your mother's tears, when she sees you and cries, and you know that sometimes, she pretends that you are Hikaru and Kaoru both.

And you know there's nothing to make any of it better, no cure for death.

It's because no-one has loved anyone like you love Hikaru.


End file.
